Enjoy the Journey

So the clouds have finally parted and I am feeling very much myself again (better than that actually!) What I have learned over this past, very dark, 9mos is to keep on going, praying and working as best I can because even when I think nothing is happening and things are getting worse...it turns out they are not and I am eventually lead to where I need to go to get the answers I need.

That said, I want to share what is happening NOW :)

I have set some new fitness goals for the next year which include PF Changs 1/2 marathon in January, hiking the Grand Canyon rim to rim to rim in May, and then a full marathon next September! I am very excited.

I have run a 1/2 marathon before but this time I am doing my training in a completely different way. I got a VO2 test to determine where my heart rate should be when I run, how much oxygen I am taking in, and to see whether I burn fat & carbs while I workout or just carbs....

It was so helpful to have this information. This is going to help me create a really strong aerobic base, increase my endurance level and eventually my speed. But there is one catch...at first I have to go SUUUUPER slow. Now if you know me, you know that I am an all out kind of person. I go as fast as I can, for as long as I can.

So far, I am noticing how I am now able to enjoy each moment as it passes and be fully present while I am running. For the first time, I can see why people say they love to run. And I believe them when they say it relaxes them and gives them time to listen and talk to God. With the way I have trained in the past there was no time for any of that...it was iPod in my ear, breathing as hard as I could...looking for the finish line.

This was not only true for running, with me it was everything. I went hiking yesterday and it was amazing to me how much more I enjoyed myself being able to go at a slower pace. And I already LOVE to hike and thought I was getting a charge out of it.

Now, I will say I have had a few frustrating moments. It's challenging for me to be patient and disciplined enough to go slow. I'm keeping the faith though. And trying to remember that building this foundation will eventually lead me to the goals I want to achieve for my health, and keep me doing it for the rest of my life.

I will let you know how its going!

If you are interested in getting your VO2 test you can contact Timothy Bolen at Sole Sports 602-451-7839.

I wonder what God must be thinking....

I wonder what God thinks...??

There are some of us that struggle with the things of this world, what's it all for and being in it, although outwardly and to others it may seem for no apparent reason. Some call it disposition or personality, others say its just that they are not wired right...
Its an interesting question to me. That is, why some of us struggle and some of us seem to be relatively content throughout their lives.

What does God think as he (or she) watches the show? I would think it would be frustrating...to have provided all the virtues needed to ensure nice contented and useful lives, but to watch so many of us never even TRY to use them...Or -if we do try, to watch us quit and give up so quickly. What does God think when listening as we question an Existence beyond ourselves when our pasts are filled with loads of evidence of Grace? What must God be thinking...?

God certainly isn't powerless, so why sit back and watch and listen as we struggle? Why not intervene? Why must we feel so alone at times? In order to learn some lesson? Teach us some virtue? Create Faith? These questions in and of themselves must be frustrating to God. ...Must be disheartening to God...

Why do some of us spends hours pondering this type of thing, while other spend maybe a moment in their lifetime -usually when dying- to ponder such things? Its an interesting question...One that sadly, we will not know until we die -and then maybe we won't. And in any case we will not remember, if it so happens... we have to do this whole thing over again...

What must God be thinking?

From Within

Most truths are very simple and one of these simple truths has moved from my head to my heart recently. This is it:

Happiness is within.

Yep, that's it. I know....it may not hit some of you with any force... So I will complicate it a little in order to explain my situation and maybe inspire anyone who is actually reading this.

I am sure you have already heard this, I had heard something like it for sometime... "Look inside yourself to find true happiness" or some version of that, but what I didn't realize is that I was so caught up in what my "idea" of happiness was that I couldn't really listen.
I fully and completely believed that I knew what I needed to have in my life for me to be happy and complete. Let that sink in a minute...

Now the trouble with thinking you absolutely know something, is that something else inevitably happens to teach us that we don't absolutely know anything. This is so true for me because not too long ago I achieved all the things I knew would make me happy. I had all of the components of my happy life in place and things were going great. Of coarse there where still things to achieve but I was right on target and well on my way to the summit where I could sit down, relax and enjoy the view for the rest of my life...
Writing this down and looking at the enormity of my naivety is pretty humbling, but its the truth regardless. I felt that way. I was holding on so tightly to an idea that when I began sliding back down the mountain I was completely unprepared to deal with it. I just kept slipping and slipping and when I hit the bottom... I found a crevasse and fell even deeper still.
I stayed in the dark for a while, groping around frantically, trying to figure out how I could start all over again (toward the same ideal!). I would start to climb and then fall, climb and fall, over and over until I completely gave up, sat down devastated and resolved that this was IT.
In my mind, there was no help coming and the mountain seemed to big to try to do it all over again. I also had in my mind, that even if I did get back to the top, there were no guarantees anymore. I mean, I was there, and I lost it! That wasn't in the "plan to Gabi's happy life"...

After sometime -and through a series of serendipitous events- a realization gradually came over me...there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that will make me happy. To be happy all I need to do is think and act on the things that I find happiness in, and I need to do that NOW, regardless of circumstance.
Again, so simple. Almost too simple.
What I realized is there can be no more "in order to" or "when I get this I will have that". No more cause and effect. I already have it. It is here and now in everything I do. Happiness truly is in the journey.
I feel as though I am on new legs wobbling around with this new found hope, inspiration and gratitude...all there is to do now practice and remember.

Which Way Do I Go?

So I went to Sedona for a couple of days to get out of the heat and into the hills for some "me and God" time...

I had a couple of hikes planned out but nothing set in stone. When I arrived in town I stopped at the ranger station to get a parking pass and ended up asking the ladies there if there was anything they would recommend hiking. One woman suggested West Fork -its a short tree covered hike that follows the river, I took her advise and it was just what I needed.

The next day I was planning on hiking a few of Sedonas' vorex spots...

(A vortex is the funnel shape created by the motion of spiraling energy. The vortexes in Sedona are swirling centers of subtle energy coming out from the surface of the earth. They characterize Sedona as a spiritual power center. The energy is not exactly electricity or magnetism, although it does leave a slight measurable residual magnetism in the places where it is strongest.)

There were five I had on my list and of coarse initially I thought I would hike all five.

Ya. Well, I soon realized I would not have the time or energy to do that so I was trying to narrow it down to two or three.

One hike, Airport Loop kept coming up for me, but for some reason I wasn't sure I wanted to do that one. The name didn't sound all that appealing first of all, compared to say Cathedral Rock and Castle Rock...which were the other ones on my list. But something kept bringing up Airport Loop for me. So... the next day I decided I would start with Airport Loop.

I drove out to the trail head and parked, then realized I had to go to the bathroom, so I went back down into town. As I got back in the car I started to doubt again whether I should hike this hike or head out to some of the other "better sounding" hikes. I decided to say a little prayer asking that I just drive were I needed to go and if I wasn't to hike this hike then to be lead to another one. I pulled out and drove right back up to the same trail head and parked.

As I climbed the hill to start the hike I could see a couple of the other peaks that were on my list and more than once during the first mile or so I contemplated turning around and going on a different hike. I guess maybe I thought I would miss out on something better or something like that, but I disregarded my thoughts, got over myself, and looked around...

The first half of this hike was pretty spectacular really. There were full views of Sedona and many of her red rock peaks. There was no one else out there and the weather was really nice. I started to let go and get into the hike. As I rounded the first half of the loop coming out on the summit, I felt really in tune with my environment and noticed when I stopped, I was visually experiencing the affects of being in this vortex. It felt and looked as though the trees were being "pulled in and down" toward the center of the mountain. That is about the best I can describe it and that really doesn't do it justice...

After a few minutes, I started started back down the other side of the mountain. I walked past a large bush and heard a rustling in it. This made me sort of jump a little before I slowly turned to see what it was, (I was fully expecting a snake or something similar!). But, to my surprise it was a little bunny rabbit.

He (we'll guess it was a he for the sake of this story) was jumping around but not going anywhere. As I got close to it I could see why. His little ear had been pierced by a large thorn from the bush and in his attempts to free himself, he had wrapped his ear tight around the branch!

I reached down and grabbed hold of his little body (secretly hoping not to get bit!) slowly picked him up, and unwrapped him from the branch. Then I pulled him off of the torn and set him down. Off he went! Without even so much as a pause of appreciation!! ;)

Well, you may have guessed by now where this story is going... I felt elated after helping that little guy. It made it all worth it! I didn't even mind the rest of the hike being accessorized with construction or the view of the boring ol' airport!

I felt very much a part of life and Its plan!

And had I not listened to my intuition and continued on the path I was on even in the face of doubting whether or not it was the perfect path to be on, I would not have been there to help that little bunny. Now, I don't know whether or not someone else would have helped him and it doesn't even matter...the point is, I was there and present enough to notice him.

This was wonderful validation for me and I has helped me to remember to follow my intuition and know that I may never know exactly where and to whom I will be able to be of service.

"I'm not saying it's bad or anything..."

Human beings have inherited the experience of making ourselves, situations and the people around us wrong. It's age old. We do this from the moment we wake up in the morning, all throughout the day until our heads hit our pillows and we finally slip in to unconsciousness -where we may or may not also continue to make ourselves, situations and others wrong while we dream...!

Think about it. We are problem solving machines. We exhaust ourselves trying to find solutions, and in order to solve any problem and find the solution first something must be wrong. We wake up in the morning and we are hungry, gotta go to the bathroom, brush our teeth, wake the children, feed the children, take a shower etc...all solutions to problems. I'm not saying it is wrong or anything, this is just what we do as a species on autopilot.

What if we came from the experience that nothing is wrong, ever? Even when seemingly there is something wrong!

What if there really is nothing wrong because everything is perfect? Wouldn't we be at peace?

I have been trying this experience on this week and it has been a wonderful, frustrating and very eye opening experience.

Give it a shot or at the least sit with the thought and let it get you...

I'll bet, the first thing you do is try to make this perspective wrong somehow, or solve some sort of problem with it... ;)

More, Better, Different...

Ever notice yourself saying "If only I could get/do/be *fill in the blank* then I would be happy"? Or how about this one, "At least I'm not as bad as used to be." Or maybe this sounds familiar, "If only I was a little more *fill in the blank*, then I could get what I want out of life".

We all get caught up in wanting to be a little better, a little more or somehow different than we are. We get stuck trying to change what we already have in the hopes of one day it will be enough to "get where we want to be".

This is an illusion.

What if all of this is simply a reoccurring thought pattern that goes round and round like a broken record, in order to give our minds something to do?

The mind is a tool and when we set it to auto-pilot, it will simply play old ideas over and over again because it has to do something, it never stops. Think about it. It takes an incredible amount of discipline to meditate and quiet the mind even for a moment. The mind is always talking and we are always listening to it, even when we are not aware that we are listening.

So what exactly are we listening to? That is a great place to start. What goes around in your head? What are you telling yourself? I'm fat and lazy? I'm fabulous and hyper? The thoughts themselves don't really matter much except to identify a pattern so we can see where we are lying to ourselves.

If you look at the thought in the moment, it is no longer true for that moment. For the majoity of us, it's an old thought, based on an old situation and an old judgment that you or someone else made about you, that you bought into and are selling over and over to yourself on a regular basis. Ya, take a moment and let that sink in.

We are dynamic beings and it is impossible to be the exact same person in this moment as we were in the last, unless we make it our goal to be that way. Now, if we have the option to create our experience in the moment why then do we choose the old tape? There has to be a reason.

So, what's your reason? Who are you proving wrong? Or right for that matter. What are you trying to justify? If you look hard you will find all your precious energy is being wasted on yep, an illusion. An illusion say for example, that you are somehow the same person you were when you were 5yrs old and your mom walked out on your family. The same small child that told themselves not to trust and get close to women because they will all leave. If we look at the life of that now grown adult I would be willing to bet there are no significant relationships with women they fully trust. So now this adult is still living with the opinion of a perception of a 5 yr old child. By the way, we all do this.

On the flip side of this though, once this idea is identified as simply a story that applied to one woman when this person was 5 yrs old and not the rest of the entire female population; that leaves space or a void now to create whatever kind of relationship you like. Now that there is nothing, anything is possible. And the experience simply becomes a new moment to create what you want.

Of course we don't know this is happening or we would stop right? Right. So start listening. What old ideas are you telling yourself. Is that idea happening right now? Probably it is to some extent because we have to make our stories true. So we create the same situation over and over again...Stop believing the old tape has any value now and you will be free to create a new experience in each and every moment.

An Evening with Eckhart Tolle

Here is a brief bit of what I took away from my evening with Eckhart Tolle:

We are bound for disappointment if we believe that any external thing will bring us happiness. Getting that perfect job, finding the perfect mate, having enough money, losing "x" amount of weight, owning our dream house, buying our dream car...these are all perfectly ok goals to have but by no means are the means to finding our true selves and obtaining happiness in this life.

We get so caught up in defining ourselves by our stories. That is, what we do, who we know, what we have, or what we can do and our minds are so cluttered with all of these thoughts about what we should be doing to get where we need to be that we cannot find ourselves even though we are right here all the time. These things are not who we are and they cannot possibly bring us the happiness we seek.

When we do actually achieve a goal, how often do we celebrate it and continually enjoy the happiness reaching it brings? Not long right? Just long enough for us to think "ok that's done... what's next?" Or worse yet, we are disappointed that reaching our goal didn't bring us the joy we thought it would. So we seek yet another "thing", outside ourselves, resuming our search for happiness. We do this because once we find "IT" we falsely believe we will then be able to relax and enjoy the rest of lives in a constant state of bliss.

There is no thing that will bring this feeling to us. The feeling is inside of us. In order to access it we must be still in our minds long enough to feel it. What a challenge this can be. The mind seems to be its own entity at times, completely controlling our every second with senseless and futile chatter. When we realize that we are not our mind and that it is simply a tool for us, like our hands or our feet, that is when we can start to understand and investigate who is behind the mind, controlling the mind...and what we find is something much deeper, Spirit. Or whatever Name you want to give it. There is something much greater that we have access to, that we are a piece of. And once we tap into who we are essentially that is when we start to feel it...true happiness, joy, peace and serenity, even in the midst of chaos.

So try it, you know those familiar words "Be still and know..." Try first by noticing the space between words or sentences...when there is seemingly nothing there. If you try long enough you will find there more than you could have ever imagined.

Cleanse, Play, Sweat

It is amazing to me how different I am from the person I was a decade ago, and yet how much closer I am to who I actually (am) or was as a child.

CLEANSE: Today is my 7th day on Stanley Burroughs Master Cleanser (http://www.mastercleanser.com)./ Over the past 5 years I have done this cleanse for a varied number of days, sometimes feeling successful and other times not. I entered into this cleanse with a whole different mindset than the other times I've done it. I am doing it for me this time, with my eyes wide open. It's not about "white knuckling" it to get it done and see how long I can go. This time it has been about using it as an opportunity to understand myself on a deeper level and clean out my body and mind of the junk that has accumulated in both. So far, I can honestly say that I have a new understanding of my relationship with food and what it means to me...

PLAY: Friday night I went down to 7th Street Cafe to watch a fellow yoga teacher and actor perform in Phaedre (a Greek Tragedy) put on by the Nearly Naked Theater. It was an amazing play and such an intimate setting (only about 50 people were able to be seated there). This was a "talk back" experience where the public is asked to join the director, writer and actors in the cafe after the play to discuss it. I didn't stay for the talk but it felt good to be a part of the experience...

On Saturday I went to the Dodge Theater in Phoenix to listen to Eckhart Tolle speak on The Power of Presence: Going Beyond Ego. It was also an amazing experience. Reading Tolle's first book "The Power of Now" changed my thinking about my thoughts and the ego. It was a very pivotal book for me. Right when I walked into the theater I could feel the energy vibration of the room rise a few levels, it was definitely palpable...

SWEAT: This morning I attended my second Native American Sweat Lodge. This is something that I have been wanting to do for a while now and finally got the opportunity to be a part of. It was an "east sweat" which is about developing your passion, vision and opening to enlightenment...

If you would have told me, a decade ago, that I would be doing these things over a weekend instead of partying and bathing myself in the self-centered and materialistic past-times; I doubt I would have cared to do any of it. Today I am so grateful for the shift in consciousness and the opportunity to get back to who I really am.

Hey Cat Lady

About four months ago 3 kittens showed up in our neighborhood...cute little things but skiddish... Then about 3-4 weeks later a big black and white tom cat and a little female cat showed up. Rumor is some lady moved and just let them all out.

Well I started looking on line for a rescue or an organization that could help us out with this problem. All the info I could find said to start feeding them to gain their trust so that they could be trapped. So I did. Little did I know that there were no rescue organizations that could take them. Or that Arizona is a "right to roam" state...meaning cats don't have to be tagged so the county will not help will capturing them. And that if I took them to the pound they would be euthanized right a way because they were not social. Meanwhile, the neighbors are all complaining about them and trying to blame someone but few are trying to find a solution. "Take them to the pound" is the best advice I could get from people... Well that is just not how I am wired. Some people can and that is who they are. I can't and that is me.

So I have done my best to keep the faith and move right along trying to find a solution. I called channel 3 news, channel 12 news, asked my vets office, even considered paying for each one to get fixed at my vets office so I could socialize them and find them homes. Oh by the way- did I mention that all the while the two pets that I have (indoor only) have started having behavioral problems because of all the cat calling and fighting outside the windows? Ya...

Anyway, I stumbled across AZ Cats which is a trap, neuter, return program. They hooked me up with a vets office that would fixed the cats for a "donation"and they provided me with 5 cat traps and all the info I needed to capture them. Today I set the traps and caught all 5 cats. They are in my garage waiting to see what happens next.

Thankfully, my neighbor has a friend who lives on a farm who has agreed to take the three kittens, what a blessing! The other two will come back here. Hopefully more mellow, without all those hormones flowing in their bodies. I will try to find homes for them.

This past four months has been trying for me and it surprised me how most people just wanted to tease me, calling me the "cat lady", and give me crap about caring so much. Some people talk all tough about how they would just take them to the pound or drop them off somewhere else if it were them ... but they don't actually think through what they are saying long enough to realize there is way more to it than they think...

Sadly, the truth is most people don't care. They turn a blind eye or pretend its not their problem, desperately trying to find someone to blame.

Well, this experience has given me a whole new respect for people who DO care and my hat is off to the men and women who spend their extra time trying to help catch up to this epidemic problem. Taking in stray animals, fixing them and finding homes for them is a time consuming and heartbreaking task... I give them credit for investing their time, money and emotion; and for not taking the "easy" way out. It takes a special type of person to volunteer to do this... I was sort of pushed into helping the ones I am trying to help, it was not by choice...I am talking about the people who can handle this on a regular basis. It truly is selfless and I am truly grateful for all they do.

And to the people who adopt pets and do not get them fixed, let them roam and breed, or feel it is ok to abandoned the responsibility they took on by just leaving it for someone else to deal with...

Karma is a funny thing.... Keep your fingers crossed you don't come back as a stray animal in your next life. And if you do....may you be lucky enough not to happen upon someone who feels like you do in this one.

Thank you to the people who offered support during this adventure, it was much appreciated!

Just Friends

Can men and woman truly just be friends? This is a very popular question, one society has been experimenting with and debating for ages...

What do we mean by "friends"? Of coarse we can be friendly and kind to all people if we choose to. But close friends? Who hang out together, go do things together, have long talks about significant things together...? It has been my experience that if you are compatible in that you enjoy spending time with another person doing all of these things, then even if there is no physical connection in the beginning, one will eventually develop from one or both sides of the relationship. I have found this is true even if a friendship is defined from the beginning, there is no physical attraction, or one or the other person is in another significant relationship. It may take a very long time to happen but it is human nature and even the most well intentioned people run the risk of losing a close friendship if they become too intimately connected as "friends".

Now what about the romantic relationship that ends and one or both people want to continue to be "friends"? I think this is a nice idea and one would think that we should be able to do this. But usually a relationship ends because at least one person is no longer interested the other person. So, could this "friendship" idea really be just a one sided ego boost?
Again I think the definition of the word friend applies here too. And as I eluded to before, men and women are not designed to stifle the energetic draw between them, the pull of yin and yang if you will. That is why when a relationship ends it is unrealistic to think you will still be able to have the same kind of friendship relationship with one another and not get things confused.

So, while I definately don't have all the answers, and of coarse to each "rule" there is always the exception (gay men and straight women or vise versa, or related men and women, etc)... It is my opinion that while men and women can definately be friendly, it is unlikely they will be able to maintain for any length of time a truly close plutonic friendship; without one or the other or both becoming romantically interested.

Planting a Seed..

So I heard a passage yesterday that goes something like this...A young man came upon a elderly man who was planting a seed in order to grow a fruit tree. The young man asked him "Why are you planting a seed for a tree whose fruit you're never going to see?" The elderly man replied, "I live my life as if I am never going to die." The young man smiled and thought to himself, "How ironic, I live my life as if today is my last day on earth!"

This interests me because many people live as if there were no guarantees of another day here on earth, me being one of them. Go for it! That's been my modo...Do it while there is still time, you never know if tomorrow your are going to get hit by a bus or something!

I think this kind of thought inspires courage to go after what you want and achieve your dreams, but it doesn't speak much to patience and being of service.

I like this new perspective of living as if I am never going to die. The thought itself gives me a chance to pause, take a deep breathe, and consider what to do next. It helps to dissolve fear and anxiety and bring me into the present moment. It also gives me an opportunity to ask,"What can I do to help the planet, an animal or another person have a better experience now and in the years to come...?"

Stop the Merry-go-round...I wanna get off!

We all have multiple voices going on in our heads, some of us are just more aware of them than others.

Isn't it interesting how we can bring up an old argument in our heads (or create a new one for that matter) with a person who is not even in the room with us? We carry on the conversation for all parties involved, completely unaware of what is going on directly in front of us, boosting our own ego in an effort to feel better about ourselves...

Or what about the conversations we have in our heads with ourselves? That's right. You can admit it. Each on of us at some point or another is talking to ourselves albeit most of us don't do it out loud! Sometimes -for those of us are blessed to have some peace- the thoughts are good and benefit us and the quality of our lives. However, quite often we will put ourselves down, discourage our own success, and sabotage our own happiness simply with the thoughts in our own heads.

My first question when realizing this is why? Why would I do that? Why do I do that? I have spent much time contemplating this and the only answer I could come up with is this; there is no why. Asking myself why gets me stuck thinking about myself some more and probably not in the most positive ways. The only chance we have to free our minds is to simply notice when we are doing it and stop.

At first, this is easier said than done. But if you are struggling with this and just want some peace of mind from time to time, here are the solutions I have found to get me off merry-go-round. They are simple, but you know what they say, the best answers usually are.

Take a deep breath and focus on your breathing until the chatter stops. We cannot think about feeling an inhale and exhale, and anything else at the same time. If that is difficult, create a break in the thought cycle by writing down a positive replacement thought. Say it each time you notice you are caught up in repetitive thinking.

If you have other techniques that help you (positive ones!) please let me know! I need all the help I can get ;) Good luck and have fun!

Go Confidently in the direction of your Dreams!

Being present for my life today is one of the most important things I can do to do experience inner peace.

Many of us unconsciously "put the blinders on" or bury our heads in the sand when it comes to changing things about ourselves which hold us back from reaching our goals or fulfilling our dreams. You know that old saying "ignorance is bliss"? Well it seems to me, once we do know what we are hiding from or not looking at and have brought light to it, that is when this saying's real meaning becomes apparent and we suddenly realize... its actually sarcasm!
Ignorance is soooo not bliss.

Bliss to me is finding the courage and strength (which is available to all of us in unlimited quantities if only we find enough faith to believe it) to direct my will power and self control to achieve the goals, dreams or vision I have for my life. But never getting to caught up in the actual how of it, just staying flexible and fluid to go where I am lead; knowing that if I pay attention and focus my intention on what I feel is the best possible way to proceed, success is inevitable.
Now "success" will be different for everyone and I use it loosely here.

But opening my eyes to all of me, releasing fear in order to access the unlimited courage and strength available to me, and using my determination, patience, will power and self control to work with this Strength (God if you like, I do ;) creates a whole new experience of life.

When I can operate in this space I do not have to worry about anything and I have so much more energy than I ever thought possible because I am not using up energy foolishly trying to hold my self back.

A Pause for a Rhyme...

Whistle, whistle to distract from the dark;

Is it avoidance or a walk in the park?

Acknowledge or don't and there you will be;

The experience is yours and yours alone to see.

Eyes open wide, one step at a time;

Trudge the path ahead, to standstill is a crime.

There nothing to fear but the word itself;

All is well in here, each one in good health.

Time to waste, bored and lonely can't speak;

Wake up, wake up, and find what you seek!

Sun rays slip out like spears from behind;

This too shall pass as it's all in the mind.

-ggarrisi 09